“The important thing is this: To be ready at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.”  Charles Dubois

My ultimate goal as an artist is to give a vulnerable and authentic performance that can open the space for an audience to explore, express, and articulate themselves in a safe and healthy environment. However sometimes I forget I must go through those vulnerable places with out judgement in order to create such an environment.  In the words of Carl Jung, “Enlightenment consists not merely in the seeing of luminous shapes and visions, but in making the darkness visible.  The latter procedure is more difficult, and therefore, unpopular.” One can hide behind beauty or humor or talent, but it is much difficult to bring to light that which one hides from the rest of the world. This procedure is the ongoing work of the actor.

And what better musical to explore this procedure than William Finn’s Falsettos. Yesterday Lake City Playhouse in Ceour D’ Alene Idaho closed their production of Falsettos.  It’s a story about love, messy families, different lifestyle, pleasure seekers, men who are still boys, and life presented raw with both humor and vulnerability.  Each character has to explore their bias’, their own judgments, and insecurities and thereafter wear them on their selves for the rest of the world to see. A true test in humility and vulnerability.

 

I played Whizzer, a decadent pleasure seeker, who is the main character’s (Marvin) lover.  Marvin leaves his wife (Trina) and son (Jason) to be with Whizzer.  He’s an attractive young man, whose forgotten how to truly love.  He mirrors nicely to Oscar Wilde in his De Profundis, “But I let myself be lured into the long spells of senseless and sensual ease.  I amused myself with being a flaneur, a dandy, a man of fashion.  I surrounded myself with the smaller natures and meaner minds.  I became the spendthrift of my own genius, and to waste an eternal youth gave me a curious joy.  Tired of being on the heights, I deliberately went to the depths in the search for new sensations . . . I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character, and that therefore what one has done in the secret chamber one has some day to cry aloud in the housetops.  I ceased to be Lord over myself . . . I allowed pleasure to dominate me . . . There is only one thing for me now, absolute humility.” For Oscar Wilde the glorification of the individual, the dandy, the hipster became a badge of honor; something attractive to not need others. And after living a double life it wasn’t until prison that his breaking point hit and he found suffering and humiliation (he was sent to two years in prison for a homosexual relationship), but through this process he found humanity.  For Whizzer he uses his attraction and power to get his pleasure in any way he knows he can get it. And it doesn’t change until he finds himself homeless and kicked out of Marvin’s house, because of his deception and games he plays with people’s emotions, their hearts, and bodies. However, he find humanity and that he needs “people, men and women laughing, men and women talking out loud,” in opposition to keeping his feeling, love, or insecurities inside.  The rest of his journey is accepting his mistakes, his flaws, and not ignoring them.  He realizes he needs people, he needs family, and he needs love and Marvin gave all of that to him.  In the penultimate scene he is surrounded by a hospital room of loved ones, before he ultimately dies of AIDS.  Whizzer’s journey is accepting love from others and there after being able to give it, for him this is the ultimate vulnerability and humility.  He finds that “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

Lessons learned:

• We need each other, community
• Vulnerability and Humility is a precious gift.

That is the gift of Falsettos and the wonderful cast all explored and exemplified it on and off stage.  From after rehearsal wine hang outs, to a New Year’s Celebration over champagne (which the character of Mendel ends up popping a cork in his eye), to crying through first reads of the score, to tears before curtain calls, to listening to audience members emotional vulnerability caused by the show, to even more tears at closing parties, to laughing about our many mistakes, and encouraging the individual more than the talent.  I realized my humanity/ my vulnerability is more important than my talent or looks or education.  There are multiple moments during rehearsals where I had to express parts of myself that I micromanaged away or tried to hide from others.  However, in order to do the role those things had to be expressed with out self judgement.  And every time those dark places were brought into the light they were addressed with love, care, understanding, and compassion.  It was a group of people committed to presenting themselves and the characters with an uncomfortable transparency.  And ultimately it created a safe place for everyone involved, audience and performers, to present themselves unfiltered.  And that is why it is important to be prepared to sacrifice our prenotions of self by bringing them into the light in order to explore the best that we might become.

So for 2018 let’s be vulnerable and humble because we need others to become better.  Giving the gift of transparency is the greatest thing you can give someone else.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust

Thank you to the wonderful cast, crew, and audiences that gave me new eyes!

Review and articles on this production:

The Spokesmen Review

Spokane Public Radio

The Inlander

Idaho Democrats